“Again? How can you be so careless?” yelled my mom & I said, “Sorry!” & started weeping.
This was routine & mom was right! The context here is, that despite my shoulders & scapula compensating for my fragile wrist and fingers to navigate the tightly held glass of milk with chocolate Horlicks from the kitchen to the dining area, I dropped this glass of milk at the average frequency of 3 days per week over 3 years. Yelling justified!
Since I continued to spill the milk, followed by shedding tears out of my eyes, clearly the Horlicks in the milk may have made me Taller and Sharper, but maybe not Stronger. Mom put me on Bournvita, so the spilling stopped but the shedding of tears continued; only the context changed. Overtime with experiences & social conditioning, my Horlicks & Bournvita formulated-brain, built an association/myth which is as follows:
Crying = Weakness = Shame
However, crying to me, felt like rains clearing the dirt on the windshield of my car so that I could see the road ahead. Now, Sherlock in me wanted to find answers to this feeling & here is what I found.
- THE SECURITY GUARD:
Tears are classified into 3 different types depending on function.- Reflex tears contain antibodies to help fight bacteria, & protect against harmful irritants like smoke & onion fumes.
- Basal tears lubricate, nourish & protect the cornea & act as a constant shield between eyes & rest of the world to protect from dirt & debris.
- Emotional tears contain hormones & proteins that are shed in response to feeling certain emotions like joy, sadness, anger & others.
So I personified my tears as a security guard of my big brown eyes. In the presence of our guards, subconsciously, we feel relieved that it protects us from thieves & prepares us for unexpected guests. While most of us bring Diwali gifts for the security guard at our house gate, it’s always good to thank once in a while to the security guards of our eyes.
- THE REPLACEMENT:
Tears are a replacement for the following:- Facial Cleanser:
I bet nothing, in this world, can make you look fresher than a deep cry followed by sleep. I guess the proteins in them do the work while we are asleep. Tears are the best cleansers ever, and crying is my best facial. Instead of fairness creams, actresses should start endorsing things that actually work.
- Condoms:
Proud parents, your child’s tears are indirectly contributing to decreasing the world population. I sympathise with couples who have sleepless nights & decreasing intimacy after your first child & but a crying baby is the best form of birth control.
- Neonatal ICU:
During my paediatric posting, at the hospital, one of the first questions I asked parents was ‘Did your child Cry Immediately After birth(CIAB)? Important! Why? Well, these fresh pearls oozing out of the child’s eyes called tears are a sign that his/her brain has switched on to ‘active mode’. Also, as parents, you have saved yourself from the physical, emotional & financial trauma of the NICU. So the ‘first cry’ is just one of the many ways to not land in the NICU.
- Facial Cleanser:
- THE COMMUNICATOR:
Dunstan studied baby sounds which are Neh (hunger), Eh (burp), Eairh (gas), Heh (discomfort), Owh (sleepiness). So along with the content of protein & stress hormones, I figured tears also have a voice that only Mr. Dunstan could hear, up until he published his research.Point being, crying could be an expression of a physical need. Some of us learn to word these needs quickly, while others take a while. So now when I hear a child or even elders cry, I let them express, and try to listen to the reason behind it. This also means I don’t tell them ‘Stop crying and start talking’. Cause I understand, if they could talk, they would! I am not an expert at understanding these voices but I still LISTEN as there might be a MISSION to those tears, followed by asking the right questions wearing the therapist’s cap!
- THE MEDICINE:
One of the many reasons I am proud to be a woman is that no one can ever tell me “Be a man”, while I cry. I sympathise with men for this! People who follow the slogan, “Don’t worry, Don’t cry, Drink Vodka & Fly”, are successful to dilute their negative feelings like anger, grief, sadness, and sip them with vodka.
Unfortunately, very few use this simple, free of cost, biologically produced, zero side-effect medicine called TEARS, to work on their emotional well- being. It could be used as an outlet for emotions or a sign that one need’s professional help. Unfortunately for those, who let out tears in public, at times are subjected to shame & guilt which means adding a few more negative feelings to the pile! Years after the emotional piling, while some of us seek help from a psychologist, there are few, who feel ashamed to talk about their feelings. Eventually, the strongest of humans first succumb to the myth about crying= weakness= shame & a few prolonged warriors succumb to the bedroom ceiling fans ending their lives. Sad, but the truth! Prevention is indeed better than cure!
Through this article, neither am I singing Cry, Cry, Cry like the Coldplay boys, nor I want the world to be a cry baby. The idea here is to flee away from the shame & guilt of being able to bear tears. It is important to consider it as a strength and not a weakness. Time-again, tears have proven its worth as a basic need for survival, a form of communication of a physical or emotional need, and sometimes, they are a physical sign for needing help & support. It is high time we talk about the importance of this powerful tool so that those sensitive beings experiencing too many tears do not shy away to talk about it in public, nor the listeners feel overwhelmed about the act of crying.About me, I am happy that my ability to cry allows me to experience laughter wholeheartedly. I have been absolutely lucky to have a father, who addressed my tears as ‘Motis’ meaning precious pearls from day one. Today as I write, I proudly say ‘I have one in my eye’.
-Dr. Unnati Jain